Jazz Math.....

[4005player]

Here is a little something to ponder for those of us who are jazz musicians:

Jazz Math

1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn
down his amp.

2. The number of notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad is proportional to the number of drinks he has consumed.

3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = Horn player trading fours with the drummer.

4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars.

5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ...

6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = The drummer's gig

7. If the number of drinks consumed per musician = the number of drinks comped by club, then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20(pay for gig).

8. 1 uptempo tune +1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)

9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

11. Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.

12. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.

13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds)
=medley from hell

14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats per chorus.

15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by
pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.

16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician <one individual cover
charge.

17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of
the instrument.

18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime"
among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +
prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig

21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours
in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous ****** dance
favorites for drunk rich people?

Would you take it for 1/2 that much?

(If yes): Desperation/pride = 1

After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as
him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?

22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

22. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will
attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

23. If (% of Americans who like jazz) < (% of Americans who like chainsaw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art
form?

[jingle_jangle]

Could anybody please explain #5?

Otherwise, ROTFLOL

[rob]

"Could anybody explain #5?"

I think that's the point!

[winston]

It all looks like something that was written by Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

My brain is full after reading all of that material. However, No.5 is not necessarily a true representation of infinity.

[rictified]

Well at least #1 explains to me why heavy metal guitarists make 100 watt Marshalls sound like 1000 watt Marshalls.

I think #2 is also true of guitarists.

#3 can be true of all instruments.

I like #11, haha!.

It's all true except I don't understand #5 either.

#23? I thought it was Nascar?

[winston]

"I think #2 is also true of guitarists"

I've known a few bass players who played a wild solo in a ballad after a few dregs of Jack Daniels. They're not immune to a little flash either.

If the shoe fits-------------------------

[rictified]

haha! Yeah I agree with you.

[winston]

Guilty Bob or a someone you know?

I'm a guitar player. Even though (generally) I subscribe to the less is more theory I have been guilty of my share of flash and dash solos in forced openings. Oh well, we cant all be perfect.

[rictified]

Oh sometimes, if I get nervous during a solo I play too hard and too much and force it, I'm generally in the pocket during a song. When I was a kid I was busy, busy, busy, trying to overtake whoever, took me a long time to learn how to play in the pocket.

[winston]

Yeh Bob you have reminded me how times change. We used to call that playing in the groove. I suspect that's where the 60's term groovy came from. Not sure on that one.

Any way I digress. Playing in the groove feels so good and audiences respond well to ear pleasing solos that stay there. As a player all you have to do is ride that wave and alter your dynamics or your tone part way through the piece to create a mood that works for the song. Sometimes after playing a set I have gone over the performance in my head and tried to analyze what made it sound so good. It always came down to two things. Staying in the groove and executing with feeling. I miss playing in a band sometimes, but I don't miss the clash of egos that often occurs with great musicians in close proximity.

[rictified]

I groove in the pocket Brian, haha! Believe me I remember the term groove, I used to think groove players were lousy boring players who couldn't do anything else. I had a good workout tonight did a gig with a couple of semi-fusion players, it was fun, I used my fretless most of the night and got to unleash all those pent up 8th, 16th and maybe even a few 32nd notes, the drummer was great and was one those rare drummers that actually listens to the band and especially the bass so I had a great time. Tomorrow it's back to the groove pocket at my weekly blues jam, but it's really a very easy gig and a good sounding room even though there doesn't seem to be many bass players that come. We have a fill in drummer tomorrow who's really good but speeds up, that is not good in blues.

[winston]

Bob I am envious. I love the blues. That genre of music resides and resonates in that special place next to my soul.

In fact American blues is what inspired me to learn to play guitar. I could already sing so guitar playing became my number one mission when I was young.

Are'nt most drummers predictable? Every time we had "issues" in a band the drummer was 95% of the problem.

[rictified]

There are a lot of good blues players in Ma. Brian, it's big around here, lots of blues jams. I do a lot of fill ins so I'm lucky enough to be able to play a wide range of music from week to week. We also have a lot of ex-pros around here and I play with various people like that from week to week also.

[winston]

Bob,

after I posted last night I went into my studio and pulled out my 350JG (it has a Ric H/B in bridge position) and then after a while I switched to my custom Strat. Anyway, I played some blues for about an hour. I do miss playing out. You are very fortunate in that respect.