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Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:07 pm
by ozover50
Recently read in a corporate statement issued by a large Australian company:
"We incubate next-generation scenarios that produce dynamic functionalities with mission critical infrastructure to maximise world-class deliverables."
And:
"As a means of simultaneously decomposing both the optative and indicative parts of a requirements problem, from an abstract business level to concrete system requirements, we leverage the paradigm of projection in both approaches while maintaining traceability to high-level business objectives."
Huh??
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:14 pm
by jps
Sounds just like the typical artist's statements I read in View Camera magazine............utter rubbish!
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:21 pm
by winston
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 11:17 pm
by weemac
It's funny, when I ran both those statements through Bablefish into english they both came back as:
"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"
Eden.
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 11:33 pm
by jimk
Brian, I got the gist of it...sorta. But I'll tell you this, if I were an English composition teacher, I'd do one of two things; send it back to the writer for a re-write, or give the writer a big, stinkin' ol' F.
JimK
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:07 am
by FretlessOnly
As a consultant who actually does something rather than talk about what I'm going to do, I do get the speak. I also share in the disdain.
I work for a company of scientists, and we have to provide transparent processes that provide state of the art science to the cause of solving problems related to drinking water contamination in Public Water Supplies across the United States.
"We incubate next-generation scenarios that produce dynamic functionalities with mission critical infrastructure to maximise world-class deliverables."
I do that too; only, I would never put it that way. If I did, I'd likely be in a soup line tomorrow.
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 1:55 am
by doctorwho
Good one, Aitch!
Every time I read or hear the word "paradigm", I do this:
because it's an "action buzz word" ("parameter" is another
) which most of the time is used incorrectly.
That text sounds like the computer-generated doublespeak created on Scott Pakin's Complaint Letter website:
http://www.pakin.org/complaint/
My complaint about Gensia Pharmaceuticals
Please forgive me, but I told you so. I predicted long ago that Gensia Pharmaceuticals would infiltrate and then dominate and control the mass media. Now that it has, I'd like to express my thoughts on the matter. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in I'll announce something to the effect of how if Gensia Pharmaceuticals continues to stigmatize any and all attempts to even the score, I will obviously be obliged to do something about it. And you know me: I never neglect my obligations.
While we all despair over Gensia Pharmaceuticals's recalcitrant conclusions, we must also remember the principles that will guide our better behaviors and higher aspirations. What I'm saying is this: Gensia Pharmaceuticals is absolutely neo-improvident. We all are, to some extent, but it sets the curve. Gensia Pharmaceuticals's loathsome actions stand as our generation's most prominent monument to gangsterism. Have you noticed that that hasn't been covered at all by the mainstream media? Maybe they're afraid that Gensia Pharmaceuticals will retaliate by forcing me to languish in prison on trumped-up charges.
I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that Gensia Pharmaceuticals indulges in various forms of verbal savagery to conceal the fact that innocent children have been brainwashed by its oppressive, lamebrained rejoinders. What I mean is that honest people will admit that Gensia Pharmaceuticals's tractates don't amount to anything. Concerned people are not afraid to detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart Gensia Pharmaceuticals's psychotic schemes. And sensible people know that Gensia Pharmaceuticals's hirelings have learned their scripts well and the rhetoric comes gushing forth with little provocation. Many the things I've talked about in this letter are obvious. We all know they're true. But still it's necessary for us to say them because it is crystal-clear that ungrateful, morally questionable schnorrers gobble up Gensia Pharmaceuticals's dysfunctional campaigns like golden morsels of solipsism.
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 2:09 am
by winston
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 2:27 am
by doctorwho
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:42 am
by wayang
In September 2001, I went back to work in the US Antarctic Program, but for a contractor I'd never worked for before...maybe you've heard of them: Raytheon. After spending a quarter of my life working for the program, 4.5 years of it 'on site', much of which was spent as a 'site engineer' responsible for putting up 5 million dollars worth of new buildings, I did a six month contract for Raytheon and was then offered full time employment...but, for the first time in my career, I was required to pass a drug test...because Raytheon is a 'defense contractor' (there's a disgusting euphemism), and treats all 30,000 of it's employees the same, whether they're manufacturing 'death' or not. Yeah, so big freakin' surprise, I failed it. On my way out the door, I was allowed to fill a cardboard box with personal effects, and I grabbed a Raytheon 'mouse' pad...it's sitting next to my keyboard as I type. Would you like to know what it says on that mouse pad? Sure you would...
"Raytheon Polar Services Company
Quality, Environmental, Health & Safety (QEH&S) Policy for
Raytheon Polar Services Company
In Support of the National Science Foundation's United States Antarctic
Program's research efforts, we promote and maintain quality service and
customer satisfaction by our commitment to:
* Continuously improve business processes through our
QEH&S management systems
* Protect the unique and fragile Antarctic environment,
prevent pollution, and comply with the Antarctic Treaty,
all applicable environmental, health and safety laws,
regulations and other requirements
* Provide all RPSC employees and USAP participants with
a safe and healthy work environment"
What a crock...and you can be sure of one thing: the candy*ss who wrote that copy never surveyed a 10,000 ft. runway on an ice shelf at -20 F...
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:31 am
by ken_j
Makes one wonder how their mission statement reads.
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:37 am
by jingle_jangle
Three words:
Harvard Business School
(Or, one of many others who have adopted the Harvard paradigm in a bold initiative to capture synergies proactively, and add value to their smell test's bandwidth in a real-world scenario.)
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 11:58 am
by cjj
That all sounds
SO much like everything that comes out of the corporate headquarters of the company I work for...
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:05 pm
by wayang
"Arrange for proper fecal consolidation, provide adequate waterfowl alignment, and elevate banner display to point of highest prominence while taking note of subsequent public recognition thereof."
Re: Corporate gobbledegook
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:19 pm
by kiramdear
But I am in complete agreement with Jeff's conclusion. Utter rubbish is right. 
