Cant' Sleep So

admin · Post by **admin** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:17 pm

Here's A Joke

A well-muscled martial arts expert had too much to drink at a local bar and, against his sensible training, started throwing his weight around.

Towering over his first acquaintance at the bar, he almost knocked out this man of similar stature with a single blow who asked, "What was that?", to which the trained fighting machine replied, "That was a kick from Burma."

A short while later he knocked a second big man down and, when asked, told him "That was a Judo chop from Japan."

Finally, a man appeared at the bar who was so tiny that he could barely get up on the stool. He carried a paper bag with him. The martial arts machine bragged that he was going to make quick work of this tiny fellow. In an instant though, the little guy knocked the big man to the ground for the count. Surprised he asked the little guy "What was that?" to which he replied " Oh, that was a hammer from the Home Depot!"

admin · Post by **admin** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:37 pm

OK, one more, I'm starting to get sleepy now.

A farmer had a sow that was not producing, so he convinced a neighbour to allow him to breed the sow with his prized boar.

On the first day of breeding he loaded his sow into a wheelbarrow and walked a fair distance to his friend's adjacent farm. After the breeding was over he asked his friend, "How will I know if the breeding was successful?" His friend quickly replied, "That's easy. Tomorrow morning if she's sniffing the flowers you are in luck, if not, you will have to come back." The sow was placed back in the wheelbarrow and the long walk home began.

Bright and early the next morning the farmer shouts to his son, "Son, what's the sow doing. Is she sniffing the flowers?" His son replied "No pa, she's rolling in the mud."

Frustrated, the farmer loads the sow back into the wheelbarrow and makes the long walk trek to his friend's farm where the breeding takes place again. He loads the sow back in the wheelbarrow and returns home, exhausted after the long walk.

Bright and early the next morning the farmer shouts to his son, "Son, what's the sow doing. Is she rolling in the mud?" His son replied "No pa." Excited, the farmer then asks "well is she sniffing the flowers son?" To which the son replies. "No pa, she ain't." Well for goodness sakes what is she doing. After some hesitation and head scratching the son replies, "She's trying to get into the wheelbarrow?"

sowhat · Post by **sowhat** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:56 pm

rob · Post by **rob** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 4:29 am

A duck walks into a bar. The ducks says to the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "No", the bartender replies. The next day, the duck walks back in and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" Again, the bartender replies "No." Finally, on the third day, the duck returns again and asks the same question. "For the third time, I have no grapes. If you ask me one more time, I will nail your feet to the floor!" exclaimed the bartender. The next day, the duck walks back in and asks, "Do you have any nails?" "No" replies the bartender. "Good. Do you have any grapes?"

j_gary · Post by **j_gary** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 4:54 am

Thanks boys! This may be the best thread on the site.

Fell out of the doggone chair!

jaybic · Post by **jaybic** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:05 am

A captain and his crew are sailing the high seas one day when the first mate runs up and says, "Cap'n, there's a pirate ship on the horizon!" "Tell the men to man the cannons and bring me my red shirt."
Sure enough, they turn away the pirates and are victorious.
The next day, "Cap'n, there's 2 pirate ships on the horizon." "Tell the men to man the guns and bring me my red shirt."
Yet again, the brave Cap'n and crew are victorious. After the battle, the first mate asks, "Cap'n, why do you always wear your red shirt in battle?" The Cap'n replies, "That is so if I am hit, the crew will not see me bleed."

Next day, "Cap'n, there's 20 pirate ships on the horizon!"
"Tell the men to man the cannons and bring me my brown pants!"

jaybic · Post by **jaybic** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:08 am

Daddy mole, Mama mole, and Baby mole are all tunneling underground as fast as they can in single file. Daddy mole bumps his nose into something as says, "I think I smell breakfast because I smell bacon."
Mama mole runs smack dab into the back of Daddy mole and says, "Me too because I smell pancakes."
Baby mole runs into the back of Mama and says, "I'm not sure about breakfast, but I sure smell molasses."

jaybic · Post by **jaybic** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:12 am

Last one - a personal fave.

Baby polar bear asks Papa polar bear, "Am I a real life polar bear?"
"Of course you are son."
Baby polar bear asks Mama polar bear, "Mom, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"
"Of course you are son," she replies.
This goes on for weeks. Baby is asking aunts, uncles, grandparents, any relative he can spot, and he receives the same answer each time.
Finally, Daddy polar bear sits his son down and asks, "Son, your mother and I love you very much. You are the product of our love for one another. Why are you asking if you are an honest to goodness, full blooded polar bear?"
"Because dad, I'm FRIKKIN' COLD!"

cheyenne · Post by **cheyenne** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:49 am

Browsing through the dictionary the other day, everything begins with an E.

yuk, yuk.

sowhat · Post by **sowhat** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 9:18 am

Mousie's favorite (oh, kids, kids... that was my favorite when i was the same age as she is now...)
A young hedgehog has learned how to breathe with his... mmm... a$$. One day he sat on a stub... and suffocated.

jps · Post by **jps** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 12:14 pm

A small zoo in Alabama had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Patrick, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Patrick, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Patrick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Patrick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Patrick said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Patrick said, "I want all the childrun raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
4. And last of all, Patrick stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

jmbarnacle · Post by **jmbarnacle** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:26 pm

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
“Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, Doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again”

86kubicki · Post by **86kubicki** » Sun Mar 26, 2006 1:21 am

I've heard the Canadian version of that joke - the couple was from Newfoundland (of course) and they had sex in a Tim Horton's!

sowhat · Post by **sowhat** » Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:03 am

The Russian version is about two Russians...

jmbarnacle · Post by **jmbarnacle** » Sun Mar 26, 2006 5:07 am

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic could respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother, Heidi, pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.
Smack his butt again."