Musician jokes

jwr2 · Post by **jwr2** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:48 pm

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Why do bands have bassists?
To translate for the drummers.

How do you know when a singer is at your door?
They don't know when to come in and can't find the key.

How many bassists are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
None, the keyboardist does it with his left hand.

What do a guitarist and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Two musicians are sitting in a car. Who's driving?
The policeman.

What is a relative minor?
A country & western musician's girlfriend.

The difference between a singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What does M.I.D.I. mean?
Musician In Debt Instantly.

Difference between guitarist and harmonica player?
Guitarist can yell at the band during his solo.

Difference between a bassoon and oboe?
You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.

A young boy says to his mom "When I grow up I'd like to be a
musician". She says, "Now Tommy, you know you can't do both".

longhouse · Post by **longhouse** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:52 pm

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.

Who do you find hanging out with the musicians backstage?

The drummer.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11: 1 to screw in the bulb and 10 to say how they could have done it better.

kenposurf · Post by **kenposurf** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:55 pm

What to you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girl friend...homeless.
How can you tell when the stage is level....the drool comes out both sides of the drummers mouth..

jdogric12 · Post by **jdogric12** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:06 am

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They hold the light bulb and the world revolves around them.

What do you call a banjo player with a beeper?

An optimist.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and an oboe?

You can tune up a lawnmower.

What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?

No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

jaybic · Post by **jaybic** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:36 am

What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?
You wouldn't wear spikes while jumping on the trampoline.

Difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
Bassoon burns longer.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 - 1 to do it and the other one to keep everyone else from doing it for them.

How do you get a bassist off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

telebob · Post by **telebob** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 6:23 am

If I was forced to play a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune I would give up music and take up drums.

What's the difference between a bull and a funk band?

On a bull, the horns are up front and the a**hole is in the back!

kenposurf · Post by **kenposurf** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 6:41 am

ok..how about a different angle...snappy comebacks for hecklers etc in the audience.
1) Hey, I remember you but you had a mullet last time right ?
2)Hey we're working up here..I don't go bother you at Taco Bell when you're at work do I ?
3) Freebird..I got your Freebird right here !

jdogric12 · Post by **jdogric12** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 9:07 am

Michael Richards could have used that advice!

prog_rockin_metal_man · Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:33 am

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none, no one will notice anyways

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3, 1 to screw in the lightbulb and 2 to fight off the lead guitarist and the lead singer who are trying to steal all the light

What do you call a person who likes to hang out with musicians?

A drummer

how do you get a guitarist to play softer? Put some sheet music in front of him. How do you get him to stop playing? Put some notes on it.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they have machines that do that now

What do a violin player's fingers and lightning have in common?

They never strike the same place twice

(that last one could also apply to fretless bass player as well I guess)

beatlefreak · Post by **beatlefreak** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 3:53 pm

Why does one walk when they play the bagpipes?

To get away from the noise.

philhowes · Post by **philhowes** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 4:43 pm

How do you get two fiddlers to play in unison?

You shoot one.

hieronymous · Post by **hieronymous** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:35 pm

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

Took him an hour to get the drummer out.

junglejem · Post by **junglejem** » Fri Dec 08, 2006 4:39 am

What's the difference between a bass player and a rhinoceros?

One makes low, moaning, farting noises and the other is a rhinoceros.

What's the difference between Branson, Missouri and Jurassic Park?

One is a theme park with dinosaurs and the other is a movie.

kcole4001 · Post by **kcole4001** » Fri Dec 08, 2006 6:02 am

What did the soundman get on his SAT's?

Drool!

86kubicki · Post by **86kubicki** » Mon Dec 11, 2006 6:47 am

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
Two fretless bassists playing in unison.