New Rules For 2008

[winston]

It's not rock and roll but it's a bit on the wild side and I needed a laugh so when I saw this I thought that I woud share a mildy censored version of it with you, just in case you needed someone to make you smile also.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky b*st*rds.'

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this **** at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a HUGE a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a*s. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on ****** old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[bosco64]

I love George Carlin. Thanks, Brian. That really made my day!

[scotty]

Thanks Brian, Made my day also Thanks A smile goes a long way and back!

[ozover50]

Absolutely love it!! Thanks, Brian.....

[Asia]

"New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'"

I hate this assumption :/

[lyle_from_minneapolis]

So I posted this somewhere else, and minutes later I was informed that this is actually from Bill Maher, not George Carlin. This pesky internet...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

-mk

[winston]

Cool! Bill Maher is my new comedic hero!

[mgauction]

Cool! Bill Maher is my new comedic hero!

Brian, it seems here in the states that his show, including every news program, is the only place we can garner some real truths! No other news program is anywhere close!! Plus, he's the greatest comedian of our time! Truth & humor - not a bad combination!

[wints]

Maher is fabulous.

You need more of his type here in the States.

[hamilton_square]

New Rule

There was life before Bill Gates

When memory was something that you lost with age
When an application was for employment
When a program was a TV show
When a cursor used profanity
When a keyboard was a piano
When a web was a spider’s home
When a virus was the flu
When a hard drive was a long trip on the road
When a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
When if you had a 3 1/2" floppy ...you just hoped nobody found out

[winston]

That's great Peter. Yet another good laugh. Thanks.