BLUES RULES

[kiramdear]

Forgive me if you've read this:

~BLUES RULES:~

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.

Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...]

SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS

BLUES THINGS TO SAY IN THE STUDIO:
1.Ready, Freddie (pronounced red-eye fred-eye)
2.Bingo, gringo
3.Uno, Bruno
4.The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself
5.We won't need a click
6.I like what you're trying to do but not the way you're doing it
7.An excellent first attempt
8.Was that the sound you had on the demo?
9.Make the click louder
10.That was a pretty good take for this time of night
11.If you want the tempo any brighter than that, we better wait for a sunny day
12.No dynamics? We're playing as loud as we can
13.I think that's a pretty good sounding take for what were getting paid..
14.That was great, let's do it again
15.Is that about as tight as you boys want to get it?
16.Is it possible the click is speeding up?
17.I'm at the point where I'm making dumb mistakes - before I was making much smarter mistakes
18.So many drummers, so little time
19.Why don't we do the double first and the lead will be easier to get once we've got the double
20.I never had this problem when I was being produced by Lenny and Russ
21.We got some things, we need some things
22.Fabulous
23.Punch in at the section
24.You can't make ice cream out of dirt.
25.You can't polish a turd
26.Just let your spirit soar
27.My spirit's already sore from the last thirty takes...
28.Close
29.Less is more
30.Less is Paul
31.Less is Brown
32.Less is less
33.That's the way I've been playing it all along
34.I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do
35.This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chop
36.Let's hear the bass, if you can call it that
37.Play something Paul would tell Linda to play
38.Does your amp have an underdrive channel?
39.You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played
40.We'll catch that in the mix
41.You guys can fix that in Soundtools, right?
42.I brought my kid along, he's never been in a recording studio before
43.My girlfriend sings great background vocals
44.I know a great drummer
45.You guys want to try some heroin?
46.Your girlfriend's been in the bathroom a long time
47.Please, man, stay away from my faxes, okay?
48.I'm not going to be any more dishonest with you than I am with Donald
49.I'd like a little more of a live feeling on this tune.
50.I also play eleven other instruments
51.Sorry I'm late, I just got through with my blood test (or CAT scan)
52.That vocal's not a keeper is it?
53.That's how I wrote it but that's not how I like to play it
54.I can't think of any improvements that won't make it worse
55.That ground loop is a trademark thing for me
56.That's the new old comp from today - I want to hear the new old comp from last Tuesday
57.That reverb would sound a lot better if it were coming out of a piece of MY GEAR
58.How bout we get rid of these 3M machines and get ourselves a frozen yogurt machine
59.Roz Shrank on line one for you
60.Skunk called, he's on his way down
61.The frozen yogurt machine is broken
62.When was the last time we worked together? Tonight.

~36 RULES FOR BANDS:~

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.\
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.("and/or lead singers!" -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken??

[winston]

I'll never remember all that.......... Are there not any shortcuts to fame and fortune?

[kiramdear]

No one said the Blues life was an easy road to travel

[ozover50]

If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.

What if the smoke machine happens to be the drummer?

[wmthor]

Ever been to a blues bar with a metal detector at the door? If you're not packing a gun when you walk in, they'll give you one.

[jimk]

I'll never remember all that either.......................................fortunately!

JimK

[winston]

I just realised that I once wrote a blues song that started with the line............."woke up this morning"

[8mileshigher]

Kira, That's a great list of things to do and not do

[rickenbrother]

I just realised that I once wrote a blues song that started with the line............."woke up this morning"

Well that was the first think you did that day!

Kira's original post makes me wonder why I went and joined a blues band.

[weemac]

The epitaph of a blues players headstone:
"I did not wake up this morning"!

emac.

[jimk]

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.

34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

So, how many have YOU broken??[/i]

Nos. 15, and 34 with no apologies.
JimK

[manta]

Hats are OK, especially for the Blues. Aloha shirts, maybe not.

Manta

[elreydlp]

The Blues is just a good man (or woman, I suppose) gone bad!
One year here in San Diego, they had (seriously) "The Rancho Santa Fe Blues Festival". For the uninitiated, Rancho Santa Fe is a VERY tony enclave near Del Mar, and homeowners are part of a covenant. It's definitely not Memphis or Chicago. The closest thing to Blues was when Do and his bunch of wackos committted suicide wearing purple covers and Nikes while waiting for the Comet to take them away.
I started writing a song for the Festival:

"Woke up this mornin', my Maserati had a flat,
My Korean gardener called in sick, Don't know where he's at.
The wife's favorite horse got hit by a car,
I'm gonna dump his body down in Ol' Del Mar".