Top puns!

[jps]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did

[jingle_jangle]

Excellent, Jeff!

[ozover50]

To quote PW..... HAR!!!

[winston]

Thanks Jeff that made for an interesting read.

[marc61]

I live my life on puns and sarcasm. These were great.

[melibreits]

Heh..... very punny!

[longboard_ric]

Heh..... very punny!

You took the words right out of my mouth Melissa !!!

Anyway....................

Top Pun......................................was that the movie Tom Cruise was in.

Sorry.

[jimk]

Milt Famie was a pitcher for the Cubs. Unfortunately, he had a great fondness for beer. After walking several successive batters in the 9th inning, the manager of the opposing team turned to one of the batters asking what that was all about. Said the batter "It was the beer that made Milt Famie walk us."

JimK

[just_bassics]

This frog goes into a bank requesting money. He approaches the loan officer, Patricia Whack, and states his request. Ms. Whack asks for collateral to secure the transaction. The frog states that his father is Keith Richards. Bewildered, Patricia explains that she doesn't know who that is and explains the need for something of value to post as collateral. The frustrated frog produces a small wood carving of an elephant. Exasperated, Ms. Whack calls in her manager, holds up the small object and tells the manager of the frog's request. When she states "What is this thing and what should I do?" the manager snarls "It's a knick-knack. Patti Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone!"



ducking...

[fatcat]

Milt Famie was a pitcher for the Cubs. Unfortunately, he had a great fondness for beer. After walking several successive batters in the 9th inning, the manager of the opposing team turned to one of the batters asking what that was all about. Said the batter "It was the beer that made Milt Famie walk us."

JimK

That's 2/3d o fa pun---PU.

[jimk]

Milt Famie was a pitcher for the Cubs. Unfortunately, he had a great fondness for beer. After walking several successive batters in the 9th inning, the manager of the opposing team turned to one of the batters asking what that was all about. Said the batter "It was the beer that made Milt Famie walk us."

JimK

That's 2/3d o fa pun---PU.

Thenkyew, thenkyewverrymuch.
JimK

[johnallg]

Roy Rogers had just purchased a new set of boots. Going out one day to check on Trigger, Roy stepped in a pile of ... well suffice it to say that Dale told him to leave his boots outside on the porch until he could clean them up. Roy did so and went inside for dinner. In the meantime a cougar wandering around on the property spied the boots, grabbed them up in his mouth and headed for the wilderness. Roy, seeing his new boots heading for the hills, pulled on a pair of old boots, ran out and saddled up Trigger and headed for the hills to cut off the escape path of the cougar. Several hours later Roy returned, new boots in hand and the cougar stretched over the back of Trigger. Dale looking at the scene in front of her said "Pardon me Roy is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

[fatcat]

Shah Guido G is an old favourite of mine.Asimov at his best.